Why do so many childfree people start questioning their careers?
If you’re in your thirties, your social life has quietly slowed down, and you’ve started wondering whether your career still fits you, you’re not alone.
In our early life we all broadly follow the same path. We go to school, we do our exams, most of us continue education in some form, we get our first full-time jobs. In our twenties we spend our free time with friends who have lives that look very similar to ours. Then, some people start settling down with partners, moving in together, buying houses and getting engaged. But aside from some people opting out of weekends away or expensive nights out to save for a deposit or a wedding, life pretty much carries on the same.
However, in our thirties something starts to shift. Our friends start getting pregnant. On purpose. Their lives become a whirlwind of scans, nursery decorating, buying baby stuff, navigating how much maternity leave to take. Which for those who remain childfree, whether through choice, health reasons or simply never finding the right partner, is hard to relate to. The people we once shared everything with embark on a new life, with new mum friends, new working patterns, new nursery routines and new priorities. It’s not a feeling of being left behind as such, but just that life has shifted, and these shifts keep coming throughout the decade. When life gets difficult or overwhelming (either as a person with children or as a person without), we reach out to those who are mostly likely to understand, and that often stops being the friends we’ve shared everything with for the last decade or more of our lives.
I read something once that said “when you’re in your twenties you make memories with your friends, when you’re in your thirties you talk about the memories you’ve made while you’re apart.” Every meeting becomes a “catch up”, messages start to dwindle, and eventually you find yourself spending more time alone. Of course, you’re likely to have made new friends along the way and it’s unlikely your diary is completely devoid of plans. But it’s quieter. And in that quietness we can often start questioning where we’re going, whether we’re happy and how we can consciously design a life that feels purposeful. For many people, these thoughts end up settling around our career. After all, we spend around 40 hours at work every week and a job can be a great source of achievement, satisfaction and purpose. Unless it isn’t.
In the meantime, the chasm can grow. Friends with children may assume we’re still living the same life we were in our twenties, filled with late nights and fun. While the reality is often very different (I stopped drinking alcohol five years ago and am usually in bed by 10. Nowadays I much prefer weekends filled with early mornings, good food and exercise). Equally, we may assume friends with children will be “too busy” to see us, so we stop initiating meet ups so we don’t become a burden. So the quietness grows louder.
Here’s the thing, if you’re planning on having children but start to feel dissatisfied or bored in your job, you know it’s likely you’ll soon be heading off on maternity leave (and if you change jobs you may have to wait a while before you qualify for paid leave). According to the ONS, the majority of mothers with children aged between 1-12 work part time, so even after maternity leave it’s likely the days of going to work five days a week are over for at least the next decade. You also have little people that depend on you for everything, reducing your free time and headspace to think about how you’re a bit bored of doing the same work tasks month in month out, with no signs of progression or promotion on the horizon.
However, for those of us without children, we don’t get parental leave. The expectation is that we’ll continue working full-time, without breaks (apart from a week or two of holiday), until retirement age. Which is good for our finances but not as good for our work life balance or wellbeing. Our social life often slows down, and we end up thinking “is this it for the next 30 years?” Sure, technically we have the freedom to pack it all in and travel the world, but being childfree doesn’t mean you don’t have a partner, a mortgage, pets, or achievements that you don’t want to throw away. However, what we do have is time and (often but not always), disposable income. We *could* make changes to our working life, but also don’t know where to start. What would we do instead? What if we pursue the wrong thing? What if we change our mind? What if the risks don’t outweigh the rewards? (If any of this resonates you might enjoy my 30-minute career check in).
So here we sit in the quiet space, with our emptier diary, nagging career dissatisfaction and the desire to change something, but not quite knowing what. We want work that gives us a sense of meaning and purpose without it taking over our whole life. We want to embrace our freedom without throwing away everything we’ve already built. And we want to understand who we are now without losing touch with the person we used to be.
This is where the quiet period can serve us. It gives us time to work through the above and consider what we actually want our life to look like. Whether that’s advancing in our current career, switching to something else or thinking outside the box and doing something completely different. The possibilities ahead are endless, and there’s no reason why you have to keep walking the same path you’re on now for the next 30 years or more. You don’t have to assume you’ll work full-time until retirement age if this doesn’t align with your goals and values, but equally you shouldn’t assume it’s “too late” to start from scratch in a new industry. The right path will look different for everyone, and if the above has resonated with you it’s a sign it might be time to start exploring what this looks like for you in more detail, whether you’re in your thirties, forties or beyond.
The quiet space in your thirties (and beyond) isn’t a problem to fix. It’s an opportunity to design the life and career you actually want.
About me
Hi I’m Claire and I help childfree women who feel stuck, bored, or unfulfilled at work figure out what comes next and start building a career that fits who they are. Want to find out more? Head over to my website and download your free 30-minute career check in.